Memo to Roseanne: No.

Roseanne Barr offers up her services as a Martha Stewart replacement in an L.A. Times op-ed piece today.

Problem is, Roseanne probably hasn't lived that "Domestic Goddess" life in 15 years. Yet she still thinks she's in touch with the little people:

Now that Martha Stewart is busy with legal troubles, I was thinking that maybe there'd be room for me to step in and fill the vacuum (I still hate the word "vacuum") with some of my "Domestic Goddess" tips, wit and wisdom. I always figured there was room for both of us, but now, with her possibly going up the river, I figure it's time to elbow my way a little closer to center stage, again.

To tell you the truth, and I mean no disrespect to Martha, a lot of what she was talking about most days was a little high-toned for the likes of me and lots of the semi-average women who seemed to relate to my earthy "life strategies." I mean, in today's economy, lots of people's idea of gracious living is "paneling" the entire kitchen in their trailer with contact paper, as I once did in my trailer — the kind that costs 69 cents per 500-foot roll.

Our trailer, all 600 square feet of it, was a showcase for my "decorating instincts" — like turning the La-Z-Boy at an angle where my husband could see the TV while still getting the full effect of my yelling long before anyone was talking about feng shui.

She goes on to discuss how she was shocked the first time she visited Rome and couldn't find Spaghetti-Os on the menu.

Come on. Roseanne, you had enough money to buy a town with ex-hubby Tom Arnold.