Who Wants to Name Our Baby? The Clip Show Edition

As you know, we're now just days away from the birth of our baby son. (The kid's due Dec. 31.) We've been trying to decide for a while what's better: Squeaking the birth in before the new year -- giving us a tax write-off for 2004 -- or having a New Year's baby (and distancing the poor kid further from Christmas, so he's not entirely screwed on the present front).

First, to answer the three most popular things we hear these days, before you have a chance to ask:

1. ("Are you excited?") Yes, we're excited. A little freaked out, but excited. People do this all the time -- I'm sure we'll figure it all out. I hope.

2. ("You do know, your life's about to change.") Yup. Figured that out. But thanks for scaring us one last time. (It's odd -- that's the first thing we hear from most people when they find out we're about to have a baby. Why not more, "It's the best thing ever, you're gonna love it!"?)

3. ("Picked out a name yet?") Uh, no. But as readers to this blog know, we're still down to three:

Alexander (Alex) Michael Schneider

Evan Michael Schneider

Ryan Michael Schneider

So far, the response is split three ways. There's no strong response on just one name -- everybody's got a favorite, and in turn, everyone's got a "No, you can't name him that!" reaction.

Even Maria and I keep changing course. One second I love Ryan, but then Alex starts to grab me. And several co-workers have been lobbying for Evan.

You'll find out soon. And yes, I know we're dragging this out longer than the utterly horrible "The Apprentice" finale.

Fans of reality TV know that before the finale, producers try to wring every last ounce of programming by recapping the entire season.

So here goes, folks. The road to the final three: a "Who Wants to Name Our Baby?" recap.

EPISODE ONE (Sept. 6): The call went out in early September. Help us name our baby! The responses were... different. Early entries included Milo, Matthew, Trent, Kerrison, Aaron, Efram, Sander, Max, Joshua, Evan, Christopher, Cooper, Bailey, Miles, Patrick, Drew, Collin, Reece, Mason, Stephen, William, Phillip, Christian, Jamison, Kiran and Bart.

Then there was the jokester who came up with this list : Twista Schneider, Q-Tip Schneider, Fabolous Schneider, Sisqo Schneider, Phinias J. Schneider. J. Pierpont Schneider, Les Schneider, Lloyd Schneider, Rupert Schneider and Zippy Schneider.

Perhaps Julia Roberts was taking a peek at Franklin Avenue, since she stole the Phinias suggestion!

EPISODE TWO (Sept. 14): We narrowed the suggestions down to the top ten. The initial picks: Alexander, Anderson, Austin, Colin, Dylan, Evan, Jackson, Matthew, Ryan and Quinn.

EPISODE THREE (Sept. 21): In our first elimination, readers said no to Quinn. But in a surprise turn of events, we also let Colin go, ahead of schedule. The decision to eliminate two came after reader Paul pointed out that Colin sounded too much like "colon":

I don't care how hot Colin Farrell may be today, but in the 6th grade, your boy Colin becomes "Colon" the minute those little bastards learn what that means, and he'll be "Ass" for the remainder of his school days. You guys may have to transfer him to a new district to get away from all of the taunting. Kids are so cruel.

and Quinn? That's just torture...in the 3rd grade when he learns how to write cursive, he'll discover that the capital Q is one of the most difficult letters to write. And he'll be saddled with that for his signature for the rest of his life. Also, the capital cursive Q looks kinda like the capital cursive L, and he'll be plagued by people asking him if his name is "Linn" based on seeing his signature? And no boy wants to be named "Lynn."

With Colin out, we had to fill the void with a new name: Tyler. Also, due to the unfortunate realization that a kid named "Jackson Michael Schneider" would get the inevitable child molester jokes, we shortened the nominee to "Jack."

Remaining: Alexander, Anderson, Austin, Dylan, Evan, Jack, Matthew, Ryan and Tyler Michael Schneider.

EPISODE FOUR (Sept. 27): Probably the tightest week of competition. But eliminated: Anderson. People didn't hate Anderson, they were just pretty ambivalent about it:

don't know you, and I didn't vote last week, so I feel a bit odd doing this. However, people you don't know making decisIions that affect your life is the very nature of contest-based reality programming. So, with that long introduction, I vote off Anderson.
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Please say goodbye to: Anderson Michael Schneider. Nobody wants to be referred to as Handy Andy unless their the carpenter on a BBC America home improvement show or, you know, just handy. But you really have to be handy, not just have people assume you are because it rhymes.

Remaining: Alexander, Austin, Dylan, Evan, Jack, Matthew, Ryan and Tyler Michael Schneider.

EPISODE FIVE (Oct. 5): We mixed things up again, eliminating two names this time: Dylan -- which I always thought reminded me too much of Luke Perry, much to Maria's chagrin -- and Austin. Some comments that led us to kick two off:

Austin's got to go.  The name seems very OC to me for some reason, very suburban, very bland and yet also bratty.  I picture Austin running around kicking adults in the shins and laughing. 
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no no no Dylan. If you have a daughter, does that mean you'll name her Brenda or Kelli?

Remaining: Alexander, Evan, Jack, Matthew, Ryan and Tyler Michael Schneider.

EPISODE SIX (Oct. 12): People just didn't care for Tyler, which got the boot:

Tyler is bland and boring. Kids named Tyler usually have sandy blonde hair and perfect teeth. Why is this a bad thing you wonder? Well it's not. (I myself had sandy blonde hair as a child.) But you don't want your kid to be ordinary. Plus Tyler Schneider IS a little too sing-songy. Try saying it fast five times. Not pretty. Also, the smart kids in your class were never named Tyler.

Remaining: Alexander, Evan, Jack, Matthew and Ryan Michael Schneider.

EPISODE SEVEN (Oct. 25): After clinging to life for several weeks, Jack finally got the boot. One opinion:

I know I'm late to the game, but howz about we get rid of Jack, because it is a little too four-years-ago-trendy and Alex reminds me of some chumpy know-it-all.

We also continued asking for replacement names, to perhaps add to the pot. Alas, although we were flooded with suggestions, none were quite right: Perry, Nico, Charlie, Damon, Terrence, Paul, etc. Nice names, but none felt right for us.

Remaining: Alexander, Evan, Matthew and Ryan Michael Schneider.

EPISODE EIGHT (Nov. 15): We took a few weeks off to focus on planning and executing Mike & Maria's Halloween Housewarming Race, but returned with a shocker: Out was Alexander, replaced by new candidate Nathan.

Remaining: Evan, Matthew, Nathan and Ryan Michael Schneider.

EPISODE NINE (Dec. 3): After another break -- this time for Thanksgiving -- the contest was back, and with another shocker. Having been dumped last time, Alexander was back -- and Nathan was banished after a brief tryout.

The outcry had been enormous after we canned Alexander. And even we wondered why we'd done it in such haste.

Also gone: Matthew. "Matthew Michael" seemed like such a mouthful.

Now, some fresh comments:

Glad to see that Alex is back... still my No. 1 choice. Dump Evan... Ryan is a strong name, but whenever I hear the name Evan, I think of this fat, pedophile-type sports guy in Cleveland that lives in his mom's basement...

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I have been blessed with this wonderful name for close to 30 years… Alexander is a name that is versatile (can be Alexander, Alex, Al, Ally, Sasha), never, ever embarrassing (nothing rhymes with it on the schoolyard), classic, unique (as unique as a classic name can be, growing up there was only ever one other Alex or Alexander in my classes, if that).
Plus, it goes great with any middle name. It can be uptown, or downtown, depending on the mood. It is simple, yet it is complex...
Through the years all the other Alex’s I’ve met have been happy about their name. Most people don’t think about their name, and neither do I, but when it does come up, I realize that, all told, it’s a great name.

So that brings us to now. Any day now we'll be racing to the hospital... and entering an entire new world. I don't know if we have a handle yet on this whole mysterious parenting thing, but I do know this little guy is always going to feel loved.

Any last minute ideas on the name? Email 'em to nameourbaby@hotmail.com.